So, I have been doing a lot of playing with my blog, so anyone who has been watching might be slightly annoyed at the constantly changing layout of my page.

First, bear with me. I haven’t made an attempt this serious to post regularly anywhere so I am trying to make the blog as appealing as possible while still being functional for everyone.

Second, I can be a touch indecisive. So I may try something for a few days and then change it just to change it back.

Hopefully I can settle on something without to much chaos, but until then I hope you will be tolerant and just enjoy the writing. At present I have included a Categories wiget on the right so you can jump sections at will. This should make organizing a bit easier for me, and navigating better for you! You’re welcome.

Thank you for your patience, and continue enjoying!

Underneath the Mask

This world is full of twisted fate
that burns and stabs and makes me ache
and fills my dark soul as I quake
in forbidden lust for thee

With every step and breath and thought
my mind goes where it ought not
and fills with glorious immoral rot
that’s taking hold of me

I can’t imagine any poison sweeter
then this dark and oozing ether
that rends my heart and soul beneath her
in the treachery I’ve sought

I hide behind a pleasant smile
my pulse racing all the while
for obscenity so rare and wild
and pray that I’m not caught

For my being is never more complete
then when I indulge the darkness sweet
and taste the blood that I do reap
in blissful misery

I reveal the tools once hidden
give in to impulse once forbidden
cross a line so far unwritten
in worship unto thee

I feel the sensation of falling
as across that line I’m crawling
ever near and so foreboding
in testaments I speak

Morals that I have forsaken
in my need for release taken
one with this my mind is breaking
and at last I’m free
to truly just be me

Rebirth (Fictional Piece)

“Dark Mother…”

It hurt.

I’m no stranger to pain, but there is something extra special about six bullets to the chest. Somehow, I had managed to be grazed by all but two. But those two…damn, they got me good.

The sharp, shooting pain (haha) pulsed in my chest with every heart beat. Every breath drew new agony, and a brief split second pause of relief as the pain ebbed. It was like nothing I had ever experienced. To bad I was dying and couldn’t appreciate the moment.

And kneeling over me were the only two people who were ever there for me. God, they are beautiful. Even with the tears running down their cheeks. I can feel their hands, soft and warm, squeezing my calloused, freezing fingers. I can barely hear them though. Come to think of it, I can barely hear the shouting of terrified people, or the continuing gun fire in the background. It would almost be peaceful if not for the bullet wounds.

I think they are saying my name. I should be ashamed to admit I still get a thrill when I hear them call to me. But I’m dying, so who gives a damn.

I try to smile and answer back, but the blood in my throat makes me cough. Sexy. I just wish I could say something…

Then, from the haze of running people and glaring over head lights, another woman appears. It’s her. I don’t know why she would be here for me. I mean, I failed. I didn’t do anything of the things she asked me. In fact I tossed her aside when my life went to hell. Why would she be here?

My thoughts shatter as she smiles down at me, as though there were pity and not anger in her heart as she saw me sprawled out in a pool of my own blood. Her hair falls like liquid amber over her shoulder as she kneels to cradle my head in her lap. Her pale lips twist in a small smile. Her eyes look gently into my soul.

This is my goddess. My Dark Mother.

“This doesn’t seem to be what you set out to achieve my little one”. Her soft voice slides through my mind like a caress. I can’t even feel indignation at the situation.

“Yeah, well it turns out I might have taken a couple of bad steps in there. You win some, you lose some”.

I should probably not be a smart ass to a goddess. But she just shakes her head.

“Why are you here Mother? I can’t imagine that anything I have done would make me worthy of your comfort now”.

She stroked my head gently as she sighed “You are mine. I chose you from among hundreds of millions. And when you called to me, I could not refuse you”. Her face became almost sad then and I could hear the cries of my friends, still kneeling over me. I looked at them and realized they couldn’t see anything but me. They must think I was out of my mind. Hell, maybe I was…

“I am real child. As real as anything you could ever know. And I am here for you so tell me, what is it that you want?”

“I don’t deserve any boon from you. I abandoned you and everything I believed in. I don’t deserve anything from you”

I coughed again. More blood. I noticed a distinct lack of pain in my torso. I was almost done. Strange how I just didn’t seem to care.

The goddess touched my cheek and laughed “And what would you ask for, if you had the right to ask? For heaven? For your life, or that of your friends? You called to me, my precious one. Tell me why you did”.

There was no more command in that statement than in any she had spoken. Yet I felt my heart break to tell her everything. But what did I want?

“Not to die would be really nice” I said, without thinking.

She tilted her head and considered me “You put your self here, far from where I would have had you otherwise. You said yourself that you abandoned me. So why call to me here?” She leaned down and kissed my forehead, my blood staining her lips. “Would you ask me to save you?”

I shook my head without thinking “No. I couldn’t ask for that. I would ask that you save them” and I looked at the two women crying over my no longer breathing body.

“They are not mine” she said, looking at the young women.

I nodded “But I am. And they are here because of me…”

My goddess stood up then and looked down at me, her face a sudden mask “What would you ask me of wizard?”

“Give me life. Give me strength. And let me put down the bastard that are doing this.”

Her lips twitched in what might have been a bemused smile.

“You’re return to life will not be pleasant. And once you’re back, everything will change. They will know you are mine. And they will try to kill you for it. You will no longer be able to hide from them” she leaned down and touched my face. “This will hurt more than all the fires of hell. As if every demon you have was given life to tear at you. It will hurt”.

If I could have moved my rapidly cooling shoulders, I would have shrugged. “Pain means life, right?”

She shook her head again as she straddled my chest “No my dearest love. Life means pain” her eyes began to glow with the power that was her very being as she leaned in putting her face just inches from mine and kissed me saying “This will hurt”.

And it did.

Breaking waves

First, forgive the writing style here. I’m attempting to type this out on my phone and it’s proving more exciting than anticipated.

Occasionally I find myself contemplating where I am in life. I work hard to live in the moment, which I am much better at now than I was a few years ago.
But I still end up stuck dwelling on decisions I’ve made and where they have led me.
Once upon a time, a short lifetime ago, I was heading in a great direaction. I had a stable place, I was going to college for something I loved, I was already promised a job making real money…

It’s not always easy to look back on that knowing where I am now. I have some great things in my life now. I really do. But looking at where I was heading before, I can’t help but sometimes fail to see the color and life in what is right now.

Recently I have lost damn near everything. The life I had given everything up for is gone. That which I had spent more than half a decade building with passion and blood and pain has faded to nothing. Worse than nothing, truth be told. The ghost of everything I had still haunts me daily. And the poisons that did me in haven’t faded as quickly.

But, in the desolation of circumstance I find a hint of peace. I fear smothering that too, though. I have to hide it lest the ghosts tear it apart in wrathful envy. But it is there and I’m thankful for it.

I know I sound dramatic. And I am. My pain isn’t any less than I portray it. But colorful words and flair distract and amuse.
I always heard its better to be a jester than a martyr. Both suffer, but one entertains.
And I suppose the difference is pride.

That doesn’t bode well for me haha.

In The Beginning…

Well, here goes my newest attempt at blogging.

I don’t always maintain the focus to regularly follow through with blogging. I have had a few very failed attempts. But I want to renew my love of writing, and I can’t think of a better way to do that then to blog regularly for the world to harshly critique at will.

Hopefully I will amuse and entertain you!