Breaking waves

First, forgive the writing style here. I’m attempting to type this out on my phone and it’s proving more exciting than anticipated.

Occasionally I find myself contemplating where I am in life. I work hard to live in the moment, which I am much better at now than I was a few years ago.
But I still end up stuck dwelling on decisions I’ve made and where they have led me.
Once upon a time, a short lifetime ago, I was heading in a great direaction. I had a stable place, I was going to college for something I loved, I was already promised a job making real money…

It’s not always easy to look back on that knowing where I am now. I have some great things in my life now. I really do. But looking at where I was heading before, I can’t help but sometimes fail to see the color and life in what is right now.

Recently I have lost damn near everything. The life I had given everything up for is gone. That which I had spent more than half a decade building with passion and blood and pain has faded to nothing. Worse than nothing, truth be told. The ghost of everything I had still haunts me daily. And the poisons that did me in haven’t faded as quickly.

But, in the desolation of circumstance I find a hint of peace. I fear smothering that too, though. I have to hide it lest the ghosts tear it apart in wrathful envy. But it is there and I’m thankful for it.

I know I sound dramatic. And I am. My pain isn’t any less than I portray it. But colorful words and flair distract and amuse.
I always heard its better to be a jester than a martyr. Both suffer, but one entertains.
And I suppose the difference is pride.

That doesn’t bode well for me haha.

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