This isn’t what I expected.
I figured that a real mental break would be accompanied by fear and pain and hysteria. That’s how it always looks in the movies, right? People pushed to the very limits of their ability to endure stress or pain and then a SNAP and they go psycho.
And don’t get me wrong, I have had my fair share of stress and pain. And some of it took me to the edge of what I had endured before. But the result here was rather anti-climatic so far.
Let me back up a bit so you understand. I hear things. Things that aren’t there. Voices in my head that don’t belong to anything but the fears and unresolved trauma that is me. I also hear the spirits of magic. The distinction is a fun one to make most days. But I think I have done a decent job before today.
Oh but today…today was not a good day. It’s not like anything went wrong really. Compared to recent days, this was bliss. My whole life didn’t fall apart around me, no one tried to kill me, I didn’t watch the people I love die or walk away. It was just a day. But damn if it wasn’t a bad one.
The noise in my head was worse than normal. But even that wasn’t as bad as I had been seeing. A little music, a little booze. It was fine.
I always dreamed about being something great. Most people do. But it’s always been central to who I am. A requirement for a life well lived. The voices set that back. I mean, who is going to believe, less look up to, a schizophrenic. But I had it under wraps and I thought I could control them. Guess not.
Then a few words of what should have been good news. A couple of things I already knew resurfacing. One minute of splitting pain….then nothing.
I sit here trying to analyze nothing. It’s not boredom or vacancy. It isn’t apathy. It’s more like transcendence.
I’ve always been a bit conceited. Like, nearly a sociopath. For those of you who don’t live like that, it’s kind of like sitting on a self-established pedestal and looking down at children. You know you are better but you don’t point it out lest the children maul you to death to prove you wrong.
Ok, so maybe my vision of children is a bit skewed, but they do that. Swear to god.
That feeling of superiority is always there, even when I am horribly depressed (which apparently is weird for borderline sociopaths). But this new feeling goes beyond that. I still felt above the trivialities of other people’s problems. But it’s like I didn’t have to be connected to my own either. Like everything was just a puzzle or board game and I could control the pieces.
Somewhere in the back of my mind that seemed to be a bad sign for my mental health, but the part of my mind that had spent two and a half decades watching for ways to fix everything was overwhelmingly happy at getting to rest for a minute so I really didn’t care.
And as I looked down at the various parts of my life I had let fall apart or stagnate, I realized how foolish I had been. All these people who I protected when they didn’t deserve it. All the time I wasted on friends and family and social standing. I could have earned respect by being better. But I had tried to be their equal.
How dare I, a practical god, demean myself to that level. They didn’t deserve my attempts to raise them up. They were beneath me. They were less.
Suddenly I was laughing maniacally in my living room again, the weight of the world settling back into the grooves it has left on my shoulders.
What was that? Was it heaven or hell. While I was there it was bliss. Perfection and the ultimate high. But being back, it had to have been hell. Right?
Perspective is a funny thing. I’m sitting here arguing with my-selves over whether I want to go to hell again or not. One more thing to analyze in my constant battle to stay self aware.
But it can wait. The voices scream as the magic calls. I have beloved chess pieces to save and polish. One more move in one more game. I sure hope I won that move.