Personal Truth is Hell

I’ve started this post more times that I can count over the course of more than 24 hours and I’m still not sure I have the right things to say what all is going through my head.

For very many years I have worked so hard to dedicate myself to the notion of truth. Not just facts, but truth. It’s hard for people to understand the difference sometimes, but fact is what simply is. It can be proven by numerous independent groups. Truth can be relative. Personal.
And I have fought to be able to see the fact, but also recognize personal truth in my interactions. You can’t maintain personal or social relationships without acknowledging personal truth.

And that can be hard. Because personal reality doesn’t have to line up with factual reality. And sometimes deciding which is more important can be hard. The capacity to face dozens or hundreds of separate realities and keep them all in the right place and order is insane. But I try.

I don’t always find the right balance. I tend to err on the side of pointing out fact and statistical probability. And this can be harsh and cold. Part of the reason is that I can’t understand how other people feel. I can guess and I can adjust based on who I see them being. And I like to think I’m good at that. But I can’t always cater well to personal truth. Despite my determination to always recognize and support truth.

In the last eight months I have had to question my personal reality more than a few times. I’ve realized that despite my determination to never lie to myself or accept a cover story to make tragedy easier, that I have actively ignored fact to accept what I wanted. And I was wrong.

I convinced myself that something that wasn’t true or factual was in fact real. I broke one of my cardinal rules. Don’t believe it’s true. Consider everything.

I want so badly to believe that I can find a relationship of any kind where I can just accept what I hear as truth and reality. Not just carefully constructed words to create a situation favorable to the person speaking them regardless of the other people around them. I want to believe that mind games don’t have to be a part of every interaction. But every time I find myself trusting someone I also find myself cheated or tricked.

It’s natural to subconsciously alter our behavior to create a favorable outcome. Everyone wants to be on the winning side. I pursue that sometimes at the expense of the people I care about. Because a core part of who I am is based around my ability to be the smarter and more capable person.

Physically I am broken. I am crippled and suffer from chronic fatigue and pain. I have fought off two decades of illness that no doctor will help me with. And so I have relied on my mind to stand out, to be successful.

A couple of years ago I began exhibiting sever mental illnesses. This has terrified me because I feel like I am only as good as my mind. And mental illness takes that way from me. If I lose that then I am worthless. Just another broken, crazy, useless man who will never be more than a medicated, slowly dying ass.

I’ve always been good at telling people how things will work out. I’ve studied and enjoyed behavioral psychology so I am good at reading what people do and why. In the last eight months I have been gloriously, massively wrong in my own life. Repeatedly.

I’ve trusted people who played me. Even people I was told constantly not to trust. I’ve been wrong. And if I can’t see what’s in front of me how can I be useful to anyone else?
I understand logically that I can’t be blamed for missing things. Everyone wants to believe that are worth being loved and important to other people. But I can’t shake the personal truth that I am better than that. I lied to myself, actively ignored factual reality to give myself something I wanted. And in the end I got burnt for it.

Factual reality is a cold, lonely place. Personal reality is so fluid and not close to fact. I just can’t find that balance.

And the harder I try to pursue the factual reality the fewer people I have around me. I can’t connect with people well because of that. But I can’t accept personal reality over fact.

If I stop counting the facts I just become the joker and no matter how hard I try Ill only be played by harley. I’ll just be an idiot. I won’t be the¬†wizard. I’ll just be the asshole.

No matter how many blue lights I hear I can’t ignore the demons. The lights only seem to lie.

So I am a broken, dark asshole. But Im not accepting the lie just to make myself feel better. I may lose more people over it, but I can’t live the lie forever.
No matter what happens I will always get the factual truth. I can’t avoid it no matter how much more appealing the lie is.

Everything says “He died doing the right thing”. That’s not true. The fate is more like “He died ignoring the lie”. Cause someone will kill me for pointing out facts. Sarcastically cause I’m a dick.

I’ll stop here before I say something else I’m sure will be too much later.

**Please ignore what I am just going to assume are the many spelling and grammatical errors here. I have had a few to many drinks. Sorry to a certain mermaid, there is nothing left to smash but an empty bottle. I’ll make it up by making more empty bottles to smash. Cheers**

Updates…

So, I have been doing a lot of playing with my blog, so anyone who has been watching might be slightly annoyed at the constantly changing layout of my page.

First, bear with me. I haven’t made an attempt this serious to post regularly anywhere so I am trying to make the blog as appealing as possible while still being functional for everyone.

Second, I can be a touch indecisive. So I may try something for a few days and then change it just to change it back.

Hopefully I can settle on something without to much chaos, but until then I hope you will be tolerant and just enjoy the writing. At present I have included a Categories wiget on the right so you can jump sections at will. This should make organizing a bit easier for me, and navigating better for you! You’re welcome.

Thank you for your patience, and continue enjoying!

Breaking waves

First, forgive the writing style here. I’m attempting to type this out on my phone and it’s proving more exciting than anticipated.

Occasionally I find myself contemplating where I am in life. I work hard to live in the moment, which I am much better at now than I was a few years ago.
But I still end up stuck dwelling on decisions I’ve made and where they have led me.
Once upon a time, a short lifetime ago, I was heading in a great direaction. I had a stable place, I was going to college for something I loved, I was already promised a job making real money…

It’s not always easy to look back on that knowing where I am now. I have some great things in my life now. I really do. But looking at where I was heading before, I can’t help but sometimes fail to see the color and life in what is right now.

Recently I have lost damn near everything. The life I had given everything up for is gone. That which I had spent more than half a decade building with passion and blood and pain has faded to nothing. Worse than nothing, truth be told. The ghost of everything I had still haunts me daily. And the poisons that did me in haven’t faded as quickly.

But, in the desolation of circumstance I find a hint of peace. I fear smothering that too, though. I have to hide it lest the ghosts tear it apart in wrathful envy. But it is there and I’m thankful for it.

I know I sound dramatic. And I am. My pain isn’t any less than I portray it. But colorful words and flair distract and amuse.
I always heard its better to be a jester than a martyr. Both suffer, but one entertains.
And I suppose the difference is pride.

That doesn’t bode well for me haha.

In The Beginning…

Well, here goes my newest attempt at blogging.

I don’t always maintain the focus to regularly follow through with blogging. I have had a few very failed attempts. But I want to renew my love of writing, and I can’t think of a better way to do that then to blog regularly for the world to harshly critique at will.

Hopefully I will amuse and entertain you!