Rave Explosions

I feel this deep and burning need
As I sit it builds inside of me

I hear a voice that calls my name
it says it’s time to take a chance again

I can’t resist this incredible pull
I’ll fill this need regardless of the rules

Can you hear the call in my blood tonight
Can you see the fire burning in my eyes

What will today be
Can I even contain myself
What all would I see
If I act when I can’t tell
Will they be beautifully ambrosian
Rave Explosions
Rave Explosions

I must ignore the questions in my mind
The questions dont mean much if we decide

So I’ll take one more deep breath
and jump into the oceans gentle depth

And when at last I reach this end
The fireworks light will show what will begin

Can you feel the power in the air
Can you taste the rush that’s drawing near

What will today be
Can I even contain myself
What all would I see
If I act when i cant tell

How long would I wait
to take another shot
There’s nothing to take
If I don’t give it all I’ve got
Are they beautifully ambrosian
Rave Explosions
The Rave Explosions
I won’t waste opportunity
I won’t wait and let it pass me
I’m determined that I will find
The truth that lies behind your midnight eyes

And we will see
Rave Explosions

Tell me What will today be

Rave Explosions

And then What all would I see

Rave Explosions

What could today be
And what all could I see
How long would I wait
No more hesitation til I get

Rave Explosions

In the Absence of Silence

Can I speak about the absence of silence
How the emptiness just seems so loud
When there’s no one around
And it’s just me I’ve found
That the screams and the laughs are profound

Can I tell you about what I’m hearing
What the faces without souls have said
When they tear through my head
All my thoughts held by thread
Believe me, you’d be better off dead

They joke and they mock and they shame them
The people we all know tell lies
Now the green eyes are leering
And her face is still screaming
And nothing is left to surprise

How strange, how strange
How the silence can go on for days
And the green eyes keep laughing
As their faces pass by me
And nothing is ever the same

They stare and they hover around me
And question everything you say
Don’t doubt I believe you
But the voices they see you
In new and impossible ways

And they come to me in all of my dreams
They rattle and prattle and shake
All I don’t know
They make sure to show
Me every last little mistake

How strange, how strange
The monsters seem so uncaged
But the green eyes keep laughing
And she just looks past me
And nothing can ever change

And they speak in perfect inflection
I hear every word that they say
They say “Always remember
They aren’t worth the fear
And you can only trust us anyways”

“Are we really so different
Deep down you don’t really think so
You’re here forever
Just like me you never
Get to be your own soul”

“And tell me you don’t see the truth here
It’s not like we’re so amiss
You think like I think
All the terrible dark things
You are why I can exist”

How strange, how strange
How the devil is so engaged
Perhaps you are just the
buried subconscious
of a mind that’s not gone where it needs

We do our best to ignore them
Despite their constant jeers
But we just can’t quite shake them
In the silence they’ve taken
They very best of all our years

Until there’s nothing left here

Until we aren’t worth all the tears

Breath on Bones

I’ve felt grossly nostalgic this evening, for places and things that do not exist in my world. Missing my light and my darkling and much more.
So I thought I’d ponder on irony. On loss. Some of the pathetic turns that shape a beautiful, if tragic reality.

● I’m a writer. I write to express things I cannot otherwise express. However, I don’t write much of what dwells in my mind because it is, by nature, darker or unhappy. And that makes people concerned. I am very
appreciative to have people who notice and care, but it does make writing my mind…awkward sometimes.

● I sit here with a connection to the Internet.  I literally have a tie to every corner of the globe. Everything we know as a species is here. With time and patience I could learn everything human kind now knows. Yet there are moments I find myself bored. People less interested in learning have done so much more with so much less.

This maybe the single greatest tragedy of this generation, that we squander such opportunity on apathy due to convenience.

● With time off from school or work I have accomplished nearly nothing. The old adage is true. If you want something done, ask a busy person. When I have nothing to do, I will do nothing. If I don’t have a spare second, I’ll change the world.

● If I need to sleep, I have to make plans. If I have the chance to sleep I will literally spite rest out if restless anxiety.  If I can’t afford to, I’ll sleep through my alarm, texts, phone calls and possibly armagedon.

● Making plans will also guarantee that my body and mind give out. Just saying…

I could keep on for quite a long time.
The point being that life will actively be everything other than what you expect. So take the chance to enjoy where you are.  It may not be home. But it can be perfect for now.
Tell the people that matter that they matter. If you’ve said it a million times,  always say it once more. They need to hear it. Believe me, they do.
You’ll never be ready for the big steps. Not until you take them.
Sometimes you have to trust that you aren’t the Joker you think the world sees, and just be thankful that Harley  love you.
The deepest night brings the brightest stars.
If, in that dark night you can’t find the light, maybe it’s because you are the light.

And when all else fails, a few shots of whiskey can carry you that last few steps and probably then some.
So keep a flask handy. It holds the lullaby at bay.

Ghosts

The quiet rumble of evening chatter in this half assed dive drones like some tainted, off-white noise covering the the edges of my broken thoughts.

One more drink to forget.

I stare at the empty seat across from me. You sat there once. You smiled and laughed and asked me to stay with you. You said you felt lucky I would even consider it.
It’s hard to fathom that the moment is just a shadow of a memory. That no remnant of it remains outside my splintered psyche. Even the energy of our chemistry has faded in the wake of a thousand hours since.

But I can see your face as clear as day. I can see you laughing, hear you say my name….

Even after this lifetime those passing moments are more real than this world around me. The faces of strangers are blurred compared to yours. Their voices a distant echo next to you melodic speech.  Even the table under my shaking hands seems insubstantial when I remember your hand on my cheek.

And just that is enough to bring a torrent of other memories crashing into me. It feels like getting hit with bricks and I have to clutch my head against the pressure.
It passes after a moment and I sit back, drawing a rattling breath. I look back at the chair. I smile as I see you there again, even as some small part of my mind wonders how long I’ll court this haunting.

A question for tomorrow. Tonight I’ll indulge the grief and cling to the ghost of your memory. Another drink and another memory, clearer than reality.

One more drink to remember…

Heaven

Touch my soul
It’s not whole
It’s broken like my mind
Take my heart
See the parts
Still beating out of spite

See my dreams
How they bring
The nightmares all to life
Hear the lies
Cause I can’t bring
Myself to say it right

It’s not the kind of love that I know is deserved
It’s the kind of love that can only ever hurt

So I’m not going to heaven
I tear you down just to get back in
I’ll walk away from your heaven
Better lost all alone then to bring you to sin

I bare the wounds
So I can say
That I’m not the perfect man
I wear them proud
Cause they’re the only
Pride that I can get

I carry on
With blade in hand
Just looking for a fight
It’s better that
Than face the fact
That you were always right

Now I’m not going to heaven
I’ll break your heart just to save us the time
I’ll never get into heaven
Not with all the hate and the bitter lies

They all say
I cant decide
For you what’s really right
But I can see
what this would be
I won’t put you you through that fire

I hold my head
High as I can
Just so I can hide
I won’t deserve
To hear the words
That haunt me every night

Why can’t I just go to heaven
On a path to hell for something that is right
I just can’t go to heaven
You were closer to heaven than I’ll ever find

I just can’t go to heaven
I tear you down just to get back in
I swear that I’ll steer clear of heaven
So you have the chance to be happy again

Hear Me

I fumble through and fight to lose
But always get up again
I just don’t know what to do
So I do all I can

I can’t face the light of day
The memories are pain
But the dark, is cold alone
It drive me insane

And I can’t even speak of what feel

To many people far to close
But no one’s here for real

So my soul burns
While heart beats freeze
I rise again
To hit my knees
With trembling hands
I beg and plead
But no ones left
To hear me scream

My heart broke clean in three
Torn apart by the fates
Despite the hurt that they caused
I just can’t come to hate

So I try to carry on
But their faces remain
I don’t know what’s left to do
So I drink them away

And I can’t even say what I do

Because of all I’ve said and done
I have to hide me from you

So my soul burns
while heart beats freeze
I rise again
To hit my knees
With trembling hands
I beg and plead
But no ones left
To hear me scream

And even if I could find the words
To help you understand
I don’t think that you’d ever see
Just the way that I can
So I wear the mask that makes it right
So you don’t have to see
Just remember what you’ve come to love
Is nothing like me

So my soul burns
while heart beats freeze
I rise again
To hit my knees
With trembling hands
I beg and plead
but no ones left
to hear me scream

And no one’s left to hear me scream
There’s no one left to hear me…

What I Am

“And they that were born to darkness were shunned by the light, not for their sins but so as to be the salvation of the lost” – Gospels of Limbo

 

The stench of charred flesh carried on the wind across the lake. The glow of the growing flames reflected off the water and into the plume of smoke slowly filling the air with it’s acrid haze. A dozen homes burned in the wake of what had become an all to common occurrence. I hadn’t been able to save everyone.

I watched distantly as emergency responders rushed in vain to save the people they believed still trapped in the burning buildings. There were no survivors left, but a small part of me applauded their determination. At least now the flames and smoke and falling structures would be the only threat.

Not the monsters that had been there an hour ago.

Flashes of the past thousand fights flitted through my minds eye in the space of a heart beat and it left me reeling. Can’t look back. Can’t ever look back.

I shook my head and tried to think ahead. Tried to think on the next step. But all I could hear were that girls words. “You were born damned for the sake of others salvation”.

The demons that had burnt those homes, killed those people, had been after that girl. They had destroyed so many lives to get to her. I’d say it was a miracle I survived, but after today I hardly believe anything is left to chance. That just made everything worse.

Again, a never ending parade of horror and torture played through my head and the weight of everything took me to my knees. Everything. Everything I had endured. Everything I had done and seen and suffered. All of it was predestined. My fate. I was created to walk through the deepest pits of hell, all so other people could find peace. Peace I would never get to know.

I tried to stop the thoughts, to force myself to breathe, to focus on my heartbeat. But my heart was racing. Not just with fear or desperation. But with anger.

I had never been a good man. But I had tried. Despite everything I had be subjected to I had fought to do what was right, what was good. Often at great loss to myself. I tried with everything I had to be positive and thankful for what I had in my life. I fought to shake off the constant pain in my body, mind and soul. To smile. To be pleasant, no matter what nightmares played in my head. I forgave the crimes against me and moved on. I refused to stand by while others were made victims. It hadn’t been enough.

So I fought harder. I put myself between the worst things mankind has faced. War, disease, famine, monsters, hell….I put myself between the people who damned themselves and the hell they had bought. I carried these souls, forsaken by God himself, from the most remote corners of the deepest dark. And after they were allowed to walk back into the light whole and happy, my sacrifices forgotten, I continued to carry the scars of those battles. Those souls….they couldn’t bare to stand the sight of what I had to be to save them.

And still, I fought on.

“Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster”. I laughed when an angel quoted Nietzsche. I couldn’t laugh when I realized that’s why the angels wouldn’t save these people. And why I could…

I always tried to believe that I was more than what the world saw. But the truth is, without the input of other people, we aren’t really more than the jaded perceptions of a biased mind trying pathetically to view itself.

The world saw me as a monster. So, a monster I became. A monster I would be.

I pushed myself back to my feet, took one more look at the fires and turned away. The flickering shadows cast by the remains of other peoples lives fled before me. The demons wouldn’t stand before me anymore. I had no past left to cast shadows on my future.

I hope they remember me this way. A monster. I hope they remember me this way when they see me walking through the towering flames of their hell, standing against an army of their nightmares. I hope this is how they remember me.

Because this is what they made me. A monster, to fight the monsters.