Tag Archives: Writing

Writing

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Alright ladies and gents, I’ll be working on setting up new social media for my writing to help establish myself. I’ll also be doing a lot more regular writing in the near future to helpshake off the rust and start churning out great new poetry and stories. 

If you like what you read, Please, feel free to share it with friends, family and followers. Point people my way and I promise to do my best to keep everyone with lots of fun stuff to read. 

Thank you all for your time and attention and I hope you enjoy joining me on my ride Down the Twisted Way!

One More Day

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Waiting with my baited breath for 300 days
I never know just what I’m thinking
Holding on to leaving well enough alone
No matter what I think I’m leaving

I took my time and just enjoyed what I had
Never questioning what it was
But nothing lasts forever, they said
Though the memory certainly does
And as I close my eyes tonight
Those memories will hold me tight
And in the wake of all the change
The memories make it alright

I never meant to break this down
I meant
To see
If I could possibly not drown
If I could just hold on for now
To this
Belief
It doesn’t really matter how
I might make it through this

Enduring what I’ve built for myself to see
The constant sights to much to bare
Reality weighs heavy with its perfect irony
Right now it’s almost to much to care

Still I find the memory holding tight inside my mind
I feel like a king who’s lost his crown
Like the only thing left in my world to find
Is the one thing that I’ve lost now

So as I sit here with a drink
And let the memories sink in
I have to fight back from the brink
This can’t really be how it ends

I never meant to break this down
I meant
To see
If I could possibly not drown
If I could just hold on for now
To this
Belief
It doesn’t really matter how
I might make it through this

Can this really be
The way it falls out for me
Can this really seem
Like the better way for things to be
Is there a hope or prayer
Or a chance to change the way
If I could just go back
Just to have that one more day

Breath In, Breath Out

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Breath in, Breath out
Til the silence is not so loud
One step, and one more
Til you find better reasons for

The fight, insane
And it’s only me to blame
For all, I’ve done
And I’ve only just begun

Fall in, get out
Of love before we drown
Once more, for show
Even though they can’t know

I can’t, forget
What it was that was said
Now when I’m, in doubt
I Breath in, Breath out

Patience

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I keep trying to write here but recently I have been struggling to write at all.
I’ve had to start some medication that leaves me in a fog, dazed and stupid. I can’t focus on much of anything for more than five minutes and my inspiration has dried up.

I keep hoping I will push through it and get back to a place where I read and write regularly. But so far I haven’t managed to make it there.

So I’m writing this more or less just to write something. Anything. Just trying to shake the creative juices loose or get something moving again. With any luck at all I will start to see some positive effect from my medication and get back to where I am writing more. That is the ultimate goal in all of this. Improve the situation. Move my life forward again.

In the mean time, I have no idea what to say. I have a million fractured thoughts that would make brilliant starts to stories, poems or songs. But I can’t follow any of them. I chase these pieces like wisps of smoke. I can see them, I’m almost certain I should be able to reach them. But they slide through my fingers tips, insubstantial.

It’s a frustrating feeling, seeing so much potential that I just can’t make real. Fighting for a hold on something that use to be more readily present to me. But here I sit, ready to punch my monitor in frustration as I fumble words I’ve always managed so easily. I reread words I’ve written and hate them, seeing constant misspellings and errors in grammar or words missing entirely.

But still I try. I won’t let circumstance take my writing from me. And sooner or later, whether through adaptation or sheer force of will, I will see myself writing again. The process is just time.

Patience. Patience in all things. You can’t rush life, so to I must not rush health. Til then, I hope for the patience from others that I have failed to have with myself.

The Rapax

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The world around us is made up of more than what we can see. Most interestingly is the different planes of existence that occupy the multiverse. A person could spend their entire lives searching and studying and documenting everything they came across and they would only touch on the tiniest percentage of what actually exists.

I’ve had the pleasure of seeing a large portion of what the multiverse has to offer. But one of the more interesting things I have encountered is a small plane of energy that doesn’t have a name to us at this time. It is occupied by two main species that, until recently, had lived out their lives with a unique balance. The beings here do not posses physical bodies in any sense that we can understand. They are concentrated thoughts given self awareness.

The first species we will call the Lumos. The Lumos are small, bright, fairly simple thought forms. They heavily populate this plane, their numbers appearing to grow suddenly from the growth of consciousness on other planes.
They are communal and are mostly harmless unless their stream of thought is interrupted in mass.

The other species appear to, at least among themselves, be referred to as the Grasus. They are a quasi-predatory species, feeding on the concentrated psychic energy of the Lumos. This doesn’t directly harm the Lumos, but they do find the presence of the Grasus disturbing because the Grasus prefer the darker, quiet of solitude to communal gathering and extinguish light as they absorb the ambient psychic energy.

Recently, the Grasus have faced a threat to their source of psychic food from an aggressive new species we will call the Rapax. This new species came to this plane from the greater Astral. They appear almost parasitic, drinking a place dry of psychic energy before moving on. However their method of harvesting the energy is far more direct than that of the Grasus.

While the Grasus feed off the ambient energy cast off by the gathered Lumos, the Rapax feed directly from them which is ultimately lethal to the Lumos.
Stranger still is the fact that the Lumos have embraced the necrotic feeding of the Rapax, because their influence makes the Lumos toxic to the Grasus, who the Lumos have feared for longer than they can remember.

I’ve begun to see an almost cult like worship from the Lumos, building structures of energy to house the Rapax in so the Lumos can visit them regularly and offer energy in exchange for what they seem to see as protection.

The Grasus have started to fight the Rapax for control of the various Lumos communities to prevent the poisoning from eating away their entire food source. The Lumos see the sudden increase of Grasus attention as an attack on them, leading to greater worship of the toxin that is killing them, but which also deters the Grasus.

The Lumos have also begun to spread the toxic influence of the Rapax by themselves, some Lumos communities even seeking out Rapax influence to ward off the Grasus.

Ultimately, I believe this will be the end of this plane. The Rapax no longer have to fight to stay since the Lumos work so hard to embrace them. And the Grasus are seen as so cruel due to their darker nature that they have to trap and farm the Lumos to isolate them from the harmful effects of the Rapax.

Eventually the Rapax will drain the life from this plane and the Grasus will be forced to leave or die.

This provides a lesson for us. Often, we will go with what appears safer and more comfortable than what is good for us. Often we shun things we do not understand even though they do not harm us at all, and embrace what we see as safety which harms or limits us.

We have to learn to question everything. To never let the lure of comfort restrict our ability to see reality for what it is.

Hopefully, the Lumos learn to do so. Otherwise their entire place will die.

The Shadow Man

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Faceless and nameless
the voices are shameless
they twist and contort me
and claim they are blameless
“You hold on to tightly
they leave you and rightly
you know you can’t make it
you can’t even fight me”
I try not to listen
to the constant admissions
but all that they say
is just part of the question
“Can’t you hear what they’re thinking
they’re mocking they’re taking
their time and enjoying
how pathetic you’re being”
Breath in breath out
but don’t make a sound
the silence is heavy and sharp
but I’m bound
“You know you can’t hide
we are always inside you
we are the only ones
holding you tonight”


Somehow they’re right
but still I fight
there has to be more
to this life than this strife

Green eyes don’t cry
smiling delight
see through the soul
they will haunt you for life

Green eyes don’t lie
open so wide
but don’t listen to close
or you’ll lose your mind

Green eyes burn bright
shining a light
constant companion
and only one left me tonight

Rave Explosions

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I feel this deep and burning need
As I sit it builds inside of me

I hear a voice that calls my name
it says it’s time to take a chance again

I can’t resist this incredible pull
I’ll fill this need regardless of the rules

Can you hear the call in my blood tonight
Can you see the fire burning in my eyes

What will today be
Can I even contain myself
What all would I see
If I act when I can’t tell
Will they be beautifully ambrosian
Rave Explosions
Rave Explosions

I must ignore the questions in my mind
The questions dont mean much if we decide

So I’ll take one more deep breath
and jump into the oceans gentle depth

And when at last I reach this end
The fireworks light will show what will begin

Can you feel the power in the air
Can you taste the rush that’s drawing near

What will today be
Can I even contain myself
What all would I see
If I act when i cant tell

How long would I wait
to take another shot
There’s nothing to take
If I don’t give it all I’ve got
Are they beautifully ambrosian
Rave Explosions
The Rave Explosions
I won’t waste opportunity
I won’t wait and let it pass me
I’m determined that I will find
The truth that lies behind your midnight eyes

And we will see
Rave Explosions

Tell me What will today be

Rave Explosions

And then What all would I see

Rave Explosions

What could today be
And what all could I see
How long would I wait
No more hesitation til I get

Rave Explosions

In the Absence of Silence

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Can I speak about the absence of silence
How the emptiness just seems so loud
When there’s no one around
And it’s just me I’ve found
That the screams and the laughs are profound

Can I tell you about what I’m hearing
What the faces without souls have said
When they tear through my head
All my thoughts held by thread
Believe me, you’d be better off dead

They joke and they mock and they shame them
The people we all know tell lies
Now the green eyes are leering
And her face is still screaming
And nothing is left to surprise

How strange, how strange
How the silence can go on for days
And the green eyes keep laughing
As their faces pass by me
And nothing is ever the same

They stare and they hover around me
And question everything you say
Don’t doubt I believe you
But the voices they see you
In new and impossible ways

And they come to me in all of my dreams
They rattle and prattle and shake
All I don’t know
They make sure to show
Me every last little mistake

How strange, how strange
The monsters seem so uncaged
But the green eyes keep laughing
And she just looks past me
And nothing can ever change

And they speak in perfect inflection
I hear every word that they say
They say “Always remember
They aren’t worth the fear
And you can only trust us anyways”

“Are we really so different
Deep down you don’t really think so
You’re here forever
Just like me you never
Get to be your own soul”

“And tell me you don’t see the truth here
It’s not like we’re so amiss
You think like I think
All the terrible dark things
You are why I can exist”

How strange, how strange
How the devil is so engaged
Perhaps you are just the
buried subconscious
of a mind that’s not gone where it needs

We do our best to ignore them
Despite their constant jeers
But we just can’t quite shake them
In the silence they’ve taken
They very best of all our years

Until there’s nothing left here

Until we aren’t worth all the tears

Personal Truth is Hell

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I’ve started this post more times that I can count over the course of more than 24 hours and I’m still not sure I have the right things to say what all is going through my head.

For very many years I have worked so hard to dedicate myself to the notion of truth. Not just facts, but truth. It’s hard for people to understand the difference sometimes, but fact is what simply is. It can be proven by numerous independent groups. Truth can be relative. Personal.
And I have fought to be able to see the fact, but also recognize personal truth in my interactions. You can’t maintain personal or social relationships without acknowledging personal truth.

And that can be hard. Because personal reality doesn’t have to line up with factual reality. And sometimes deciding which is more important can be hard. The capacity to face dozens or hundreds of separate realities and keep them all in the right place and order is insane. But I try.

I don’t always find the right balance. I tend to err on the side of pointing out fact and statistical probability. And this can be harsh and cold. Part of the reason is that I can’t understand how other people feel. I can guess and I can adjust based on who I see them being. And I like to think I’m good at that. But I can’t always cater well to personal truth. Despite my determination to always recognize and support truth.

In the last eight months I have had to question my personal reality more than a few times. I’ve realized that despite my determination to never lie to myself or accept a cover story to make tragedy easier, that I have actively ignored fact to accept what I wanted. And I was wrong.

I convinced myself that something that wasn’t true or factual was in fact real. I broke one of my cardinal rules. Don’t believe it’s true. Consider everything.

I want so badly to believe that I can find a relationship of any kind where I can just accept what I hear as truth and reality. Not just carefully constructed words to create a situation favorable to the person speaking them regardless of the other people around them. I want to believe that mind games don’t have to be a part of every interaction. But every time I find myself trusting someone I also find myself cheated or tricked.

It’s natural to subconsciously alter our behavior to create a favorable outcome. Everyone wants to be on the winning side. I pursue that sometimes at the expense of the people I care about. Because a core part of who I am is based around my ability to be the smarter and more capable person.

Physically I am broken. I am crippled and suffer from chronic fatigue and pain. I have fought off two decades of illness that no doctor will help me with. And so I have relied on my mind to stand out, to be successful.

A couple of years ago I began exhibiting sever mental illnesses. This has terrified me because I feel like I am only as good as my mind. And mental illness takes that way from me. If I lose that then I am worthless. Just another broken, crazy, useless man who will never be more than a medicated, slowly dying ass.

I’ve always been good at telling people how things will work out. I’ve studied and enjoyed behavioral psychology so I am good at reading what people do and why. In the last eight months I have been gloriously, massively wrong in my own life. Repeatedly.

I’ve trusted people who played me. Even people I was told constantly not to trust. I’ve been wrong. And if I can’t see what’s in front of me how can I be useful to anyone else?
I understand logically that I can’t be blamed for missing things. Everyone wants to believe that are worth being loved and important to other people. But I can’t shake the personal truth that I am better than that. I lied to myself, actively ignored factual reality to give myself something I wanted. And in the end I got burnt for it.

Factual reality is a cold, lonely place. Personal reality is so fluid and not close to fact. I just can’t find that balance.

And the harder I try to pursue the factual reality the fewer people I have around me. I can’t connect with people well because of that. But I can’t accept personal reality over fact.

If I stop counting the facts I just become the joker and no matter how hard I try Ill only be played by harley. I’ll just be an idiot. I won’t be the wizard. I’ll just be the asshole.

No matter how many blue lights I hear I can’t ignore the demons. The lights only seem to lie.

So I am a broken, dark asshole. But Im not accepting the lie just to make myself feel better. I may lose more people over it, but I can’t live the lie forever.
No matter what happens I will always get the factual truth. I can’t avoid it no matter how much more appealing the lie is.

Everything says “He died doing the right thing”. That’s not true. The fate is more like “He died ignoring the lie”. Cause someone will kill me for pointing out facts. Sarcastically cause I’m a dick.

I’ll stop here before I say something else I’m sure will be too much later.

**Please ignore what I am just going to assume are the many spelling and grammatical errors here. I have had a few to many drinks. Sorry to a certain mermaid, there is nothing left to smash but an empty bottle. I’ll make it up by making more empty bottles to smash. Cheers**

Heaven

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Touch my soul
It’s not whole
It’s broken like my mind
Take my heart
See the parts
Still beating out of spite

See my dreams
How they bring
The nightmares all to life
Hear the lies
Cause I can’t bring
Myself to say it right

It’s not the kind of love that I know is deserved
It’s the kind of love that can only ever hurt

So I’m not going to heaven
I tear you down just to get back in
I’ll walk away from your heaven
Better lost all alone then to bring you to sin

I bare the wounds
So I can say
That I’m not the perfect man
I wear them proud
Cause they’re the only
Pride that I can get

I carry on
With blade in hand
Just looking for a fight
It’s better that
Than face the fact
That you were always right

Now I’m not going to heaven
I’ll break your heart just to save us the time
I’ll never get into heaven
Not with all the hate and the bitter lies

They all say
I cant decide
For you what’s really right
But I can see
what this would be
I won’t put you you through that fire

I hold my head
High as I can
Just so I can hide
I won’t deserve
To hear the words
That haunt me every night

Why can’t I just go to heaven
On a path to hell for something that is right
I just can’t go to heaven
You were closer to heaven than I’ll ever find

I just can’t go to heaven
I tear you down just to get back in
I swear that I’ll steer clear of heaven
So you have the chance to be happy again