The Obsession with Hope

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In the chaos that is a life truly lived, I have one again fallen behind in my writing. I am going to try again to keep up on that passion, whatever form that takes.

I was going back over old posts here and noticed a theme. Hope.

I don’t have the best relationship with the hope. Apart from being aggressively analytical, I’ve watched things in my life crash and burn too many times.

I understand hopes place in our lives. Especially for people who are in a hard place. But when hope is wrong, I turn very pessimistic.

Lately, hope has come up a lot. Not just the idle comments about hoping for this or that. It has come up where people talk about needing it. Buying a lottery ticket because, despite knowing they probably won’t win, the hope would get them through another week. Or how they needed to something to hope for, even if it was dumb.

Part of my issue with hope is how easy it is for hope to turn to denial or delusion. Choosing to ignore painful truths so they can cling to the “hope” that things will be different next time.

I’ve done this too. In the last few years I’ve chosen to overlook serious red flags in a few situations or behaviors because I didn’t want to let go of what was there.

I am incredibly lucky to have an amazing partner who has patiently watched me fight myself over these things. She has been the greatest cause for hope that I’ve had in years.

I still struggle with the idea. But I can see the need. Every time I look at the data and see the world around me getting colder, crueler, I recognize that the very last vestige of strength that pushes us through to the victory we have been fighting so hard for, is often blind hope.

I can’t change how clinical my world view is. But I keep hoping…

-Samael

Divine Cause and Forgiveness

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Hi,

You should know I dont forgive you. The way you acted, what you said.

But I was wrong to be angry. You see, I’m learning. I’m learning that all in creation simply are what they are. And when you see as I see…to be angry that a being is what they are is insufferable. Some were born to endless delight, some were born to endless night. And in what can one damned soul judge another.

I dont hate you. I know who you are and why you did what you did. I even saw it coming. But my brush with humanity blinded me with hope. This, insane idealism that good could triumph and ego would fall.

Stupid.

For as long as I could remember, I’ve seen truth. The human soul, morality as fickle and fleeting as any speck of quantuam reality. We are nothing more than what we perceive. And you acted in perfect measure with that. I cant blame you.

I blame myself. God, the universe, fate, life. I was given a gift of sight. And I turned away when the vision was harsh. Painful. Real.

I began to believe the lie of hope. But hope is for the ignorant. It’s what they mean when they say ignorance is bliss. Hope. In a base goodness, selflessness, light.

It is why I am. There can be no light without shadow but I was born to illuminate. No one mentioned the devil I harbored in the shadow cast.

But it is perfect. Balance. For every light a shadow.

I dont know how it took me so long to see. So while I cant forgive you for what you did, I can recognize you only did it because of who you are. For every light a shadow.

The brighter the light…the deeper the shadow.

I wont forgive you. Who I am wont permit it. But I see it. And my anger was unjust.

You are what you were made to be. And your shadows are only as deep as your light is brilliant.

I fear what that means of my shadows.

So for now I will cover myself. Shield the world from me.

Your actions are your own, but still just a reflection.

I cannot forgive you. But I cannot blame you.

What are we but what we were made.

One day it will be different. But not now.

Heaven wont allow any different.

Peace. May your way be more bliss than mine.

Seeing truth is no blessing. But it is mine. And I will bear it. Til hell come.

-Samael

Writing

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Alright ladies and gents, I’ll be working on setting up new social media for my writing to help establish myself. I’ll also be doing a lot more regular writing in the near future to helpshake off the rust and start churning out great new poetry and stories. 

If you like what you read, Please, feel free to share it with friends, family and followers. Point people my way and I promise to do my best to keep everyone with lots of fun stuff to read. 

Thank you all for your time and attention and I hope you enjoy joining me on my ride Down the Twisted Way!

Anything

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It’s unsettled in it’s skin
Sitting here dreaming but the voices seem to win
Haunting words cut it thin
Just to hear them over and over again

A gentle touch to make it calm
Something sure that’s needed all along
But it’s a passing thing
Stability a joke that’s just not meant for be

And it can’t get back to the place it was before
It can’t hold on to the razor shards anymore

So tell it what to be
Cause it’ll be anything
Just shape it and you’ll see
A perfect anything

Hiding all these silent wounds
Carried on it like a curse from a lost tomb
Demons stalk it through these rooms
While it reaches to life, out of reach but in full bloom

It’s pathetic from the start
Take the leash that’s tied to the arrow in it’s heart
Lead it on into the dark
It follows the light that will tear its world apart

And it can’t speak the words that echo in its mind
So it’ll take the shattered pieces left behind

So tell it what to be
Cause it can be anything
Just shape it and you’ll see
How perfect it can be

So tell it where to go
And tell it what to know
The light is finally free
It’ll be anything

And when the world is filled all up
And the heart is experienced enough
When adventure comes to an end
And its time to settle once again

Come find it lost inside a dream
Missing limbs, but better then it seems
What is said but never what it means
Hold it tight, your broken anything

And tell it what to be
It’ll be your anything
The chance to finally see
You want it finally

Just tell it what to be
Shape it and you’ll see
How perfect it can be
Your broken anything

Allowed

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The best medicine isn’t quite accepted
But it’s the poison for which I’ve elected
To continue breathing like the rest
But to get to keep it will be the real test

It seems I’ve finally found the answer to the demons
The one and only way to really stop the screamin’
If I can have it then I might just have an answer
To contain this horrible, psychological cancer

After looking for the answer in a bottle
And once in the end of a .45’s throttle
I might be able to finally breath the Peace
And catch the other end of a little more release

It all comes down to the demons that you feeding
The ones you give control in the darkest times of needing
It’s never really been about the graces
It’s about the vices and the winners of those races

And just maybe I can finally see some light
It burns enough to hurt me but it might just make things right
Or at least as right as things can ever be
Since the the Peace we knew was taken far away from me

One more taste, but I can’t be left to revel
The world won’t approve of the way I choose to level
With the pain that’s been welling up inside
Just know I left on the high road, I swear to God I tried

Tell me that there’s nothing wrong with the way we make things right
As the world comes undone despite how hard we’ve tried
Because the answer doesn’t feel as wrong as it would seem
But I doubt the world would agree with everything they’re seeing

So I’ll take the trail where it leads despite the costs
It doesn’t really hurt me, as much as people’s thoughts
I’m doing what I need to do to get me through the days
Accept it or reject it, it’s not their place to say

I’m grateful for the answers that I’ve found
And I pray to heaven that I get to keep them around
The peace that it brings me is something quite profound
If it saves my soul, then fuck if it’s allowed

Can There Be A Way

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The sun comes up it’s another day
But still the world is dark since we have lost our way
Another dawn but it’s not the same
Without you here with me it’s just a hollow frame

Fear the light and just what it means
It’s just another moment of this misery
Still I try, for your memory
I know it’s what you’d want but it is lost on me

Can there be a way to find
The light we lost as we’re left behind
Can there be a brief respite
Just one more moment with you in our lives

I hear the people and their constant refrain
About how much I’m loved and all you mean to me
I hear their words and it feels obscene
I know they mean the best but it’s hard to see

Take this life and what it means
I’ve had enough of everything it’s taken from me
I open my mouth just to speak your name
But my voice is lost in the tears it brings

Can there be a way to find
The light we lost as we’re left behind
Can there be a brief respite
Just one more moment of you in our lives

How do I live without your love
You got me through the days where it was hard to stay
No more breath as I cry out above
They didn’t have to take you, this is just to much

Now we’re here and the world is cold
Without you here we are left alone
But one day I will see you dear
I’ll hold you again, this I swear

Can there be a way to find
The light we lost as we’re left behind
Can there be a brief respite
Just one more moment of your in our lives

I still have so much to say
Now that youre gone so far away
I have so much to say
And I need you to know
I really just need you to know

Begin

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As the secrets turn to water
and the moments turn to rain
and all that you have held inside
is finally washed away

When the days of your isolation
are bathed in sunsets light
and all the pain you have endured
is cast into the starless night

Then will you finally have suffered
enough to find some rest
and truly find the peace of mind
to bare what’s in your chest

To no longer seek the burden
of other people’s praise
and then to have found solace
in your work these long past days

And even though you stumbled
once or twice along the path
to ever more sure footing
you’ll have found your way at last

Those will be the moments
those long hours and the days
you’ll say as a sigh unto yourself
‘it was worth the pain’

Cause come the end of longing
when you stand at life’s sweet end
you’ll gladly look back in pleasure
saying ‘I’m glad that I began’

One More Day

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Waiting with my baited breath for 300 days
I never know just what I’m thinking
Holding on to leaving well enough alone
No matter what I think I’m leaving

I took my time and just enjoyed what I had
Never questioning what it was
But nothing lasts forever, they said
Though the memory certainly does
And as I close my eyes tonight
Those memories will hold me tight
And in the wake of all the change
The memories make it alright

I never meant to break this down
I meant
To see
If I could possibly not drown
If I could just hold on for now
To this
Belief
It doesn’t really matter how
I might make it through this

Enduring what I’ve built for myself to see
The constant sights to much to bare
Reality weighs heavy with its perfect irony
Right now it’s almost to much to care

Still I find the memory holding tight inside my mind
I feel like a king who’s lost his crown
Like the only thing left in my world to find
Is the one thing that I’ve lost now

So as I sit here with a drink
And let the memories sink in
I have to fight back from the brink
This can’t really be how it ends

I never meant to break this down
I meant
To see
If I could possibly not drown
If I could just hold on for now
To this
Belief
It doesn’t really matter how
I might make it through this

Can this really be
The way it falls out for me
Can this really seem
Like the better way for things to be
Is there a hope or prayer
Or a chance to change the way
If I could just go back
Just to have that one more day

Solace

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The silence is my shadow
The darkness my only day
The pain my motivation
To carry on my way

A weapon my surest companion
A stumble my native dance
A whisper my sacred song
To help me hold my stance

These pages might just be a confession
Sometimes I’m not sure I know
I carry the words like an illness
The only cure is letting them go

So what when the words just won’t come out
So what when the illness is confined
How to return to the moment
When the present just won’t come to mind

The silence grows louder every moment
The stillness almost to much to bear
Please let the emptiness fade out
Answer my most fervent prayer

Still I find muse in the barrens
She comes even when I can’t write
She whispers so carefully into my ear
The words sometimes lost in the plight

So I push forward blindly without faith
Unsure why, but still I do
My hope is that I can make
Until I come back to you

Breath In, Breath Out

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Breath in, Breath out
Til the silence is not so loud
One step, and one more
Til you find better reasons for

The fight, insane
And it’s only me to blame
For all, I’ve done
And I’ve only just begun

Fall in, get out
Of love before we drown
Once more, for show
Even though they can’t know

I can’t, forget
What it was that was said
Now when I’m, in doubt
I Breath in, Breath out