Category Archives: Uncategorized

Divine Cause and Forgiveness

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Hi,

You should know I dont forgive you. The way you acted, what you said.

But I was wrong to be angry. You see, I’m learning. I’m learning that all in creation simply are what they are. And when you see as I see…to be angry that a being is what they are is insufferable. Some were born to endless delight, some were born to endless night. And in what can one damned soul judge another.

I dont hate you. I know who you are and why you did what you did. I even saw it coming. But my brush with humanity blinded me with hope. This, insane idealism that good could triumph and ego would fall.

Stupid.

For as long as I could remember, I’ve seen truth. The human soul, morality as fickle and fleeting as any speck of quantuam reality. We are nothing more than what we perceive. And you acted in perfect measure with that. I cant blame you.

I blame myself. God, the universe, fate, life. I was given a gift of sight. And I turned away when the vision was harsh. Painful. Real.

I began to believe the lie of hope. But hope is for the ignorant. It’s what they mean when they say ignorance is bliss. Hope. In a base goodness, selflessness, light.

It is why I am. There can be no light without shadow but I was born to illuminate. No one mentioned the devil I harbored in the shadow cast.

But it is perfect. Balance. For every light a shadow.

I dont know how it took me so long to see. So while I cant forgive you for what you did, I can recognize you only did it because of who you are. For every light a shadow.

The brighter the light…the deeper the shadow.

I wont forgive you. Who I am wont permit it. But I see it. And my anger was unjust.

You are what you were made to be. And your shadows are only as deep as your light is brilliant.

I fear what that means of my shadows.

So for now I will cover myself. Shield the world from me.

Your actions are your own, but still just a reflection.

I cannot forgive you. But I cannot blame you.

What are we but what we were made.

One day it will be different. But not now.

Heaven wont allow any different.

Peace. May your way be more bliss than mine.

Seeing truth is no blessing. But it is mine. And I will bear it. Til hell come.

-Samael

Writing

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Alright ladies and gents, I’ll be working on setting up new social media for my writing to help establish myself. I’ll also be doing a lot more regular writing in the near future to helpshake off the rust and start churning out great new poetry and stories. 

If you like what you read, Please, feel free to share it with friends, family and followers. Point people my way and I promise to do my best to keep everyone with lots of fun stuff to read. 

Thank you all for your time and attention and I hope you enjoy joining me on my ride Down the Twisted Way!

Anything

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It’s unsettled in it’s skin
Sitting here dreaming but the voices seem to win
Haunting words cut it thin
Just to hear them over and over again

A gentle touch to make it calm
Something sure that’s needed all along
But it’s a passing thing
Stability a joke that’s just not meant for be

And it can’t get back to the place it was before
It can’t hold on to the razor shards anymore

So tell it what to be
Cause it’ll be anything
Just shape it and you’ll see
A perfect anything

Hiding all these silent wounds
Carried on it like a curse from a lost tomb
Demons stalk it through these rooms
While it reaches to life, out of reach but in full bloom

It’s pathetic from the start
Take the leash that’s tied to the arrow in it’s heart
Lead it on into the dark
It follows the light that will tear its world apart

And it can’t speak the words that echo in its mind
So it’ll take the shattered pieces left behind

So tell it what to be
Cause it can be anything
Just shape it and you’ll see
How perfect it can be

So tell it where to go
And tell it what to know
The light is finally free
It’ll be anything

And when the world is filled all up
And the heart is experienced enough
When adventure comes to an end
And its time to settle once again

Come find it lost inside a dream
Missing limbs, but better then it seems
What is said but never what it means
Hold it tight, your broken anything

And tell it what to be
It’ll be your anything
The chance to finally see
You want it finally

Just tell it what to be
Shape it and you’ll see
How perfect it can be
Your broken anything

Can There Be A Way

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The sun comes up it’s another day
But still the world is dark since we have lost our way
Another dawn but it’s not the same
Without you here with me it’s just a hollow frame

Fear the light and just what it means
It’s just another moment of this misery
Still I try, for your memory
I know it’s what you’d want but it is lost on me

Can there be a way to find
The light we lost as we’re left behind
Can there be a brief respite
Just one more moment with you in our lives

I hear the people and their constant refrain
About how much I’m loved and all you mean to me
I hear their words and it feels obscene
I know they mean the best but it’s hard to see

Take this life and what it means
I’ve had enough of everything it’s taken from me
I open my mouth just to speak your name
But my voice is lost in the tears it brings

Can there be a way to find
The light we lost as we’re left behind
Can there be a brief respite
Just one more moment of you in our lives

How do I live without your love
You got me through the days where it was hard to stay
No more breath as I cry out above
They didn’t have to take you, this is just to much

Now we’re here and the world is cold
Without you here we are left alone
But one day I will see you dear
I’ll hold you again, this I swear

Can there be a way to find
The light we lost as we’re left behind
Can there be a brief respite
Just one more moment of your in our lives

I still have so much to say
Now that youre gone so far away
I have so much to say
And I need you to know
I really just need you to know

Begin

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As the secrets turn to water
and the moments turn to rain
and all that you have held inside
is finally washed away

When the days of your isolation
are bathed in sunsets light
and all the pain you have endured
is cast into the starless night

Then will you finally have suffered
enough to find some rest
and truly find the peace of mind
to bare what’s in your chest

To no longer seek the burden
of other people’s praise
and then to have found solace
in your work these long past days

And even though you stumbled
once or twice along the path
to ever more sure footing
you’ll have found your way at last

Those will be the moments
those long hours and the days
you’ll say as a sigh unto yourself
‘it was worth the pain’

Cause come the end of longing
when you stand at life’s sweet end
you’ll gladly look back in pleasure
saying ‘I’m glad that I began’

Solace

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The silence is my shadow
The darkness my only day
The pain my motivation
To carry on my way

A weapon my surest companion
A stumble my native dance
A whisper my sacred song
To help me hold my stance

These pages might just be a confession
Sometimes I’m not sure I know
I carry the words like an illness
The only cure is letting them go

So what when the words just won’t come out
So what when the illness is confined
How to return to the moment
When the present just won’t come to mind

The silence grows louder every moment
The stillness almost to much to bear
Please let the emptiness fade out
Answer my most fervent prayer

Still I find muse in the barrens
She comes even when I can’t write
She whispers so carefully into my ear
The words sometimes lost in the plight

So I push forward blindly without faith
Unsure why, but still I do
My hope is that I can make
Until I come back to you

The Rapax

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The world around us is made up of more than what we can see. Most interestingly is the different planes of existence that occupy the multiverse. A person could spend their entire lives searching and studying and documenting everything they came across and they would only touch on the tiniest percentage of what actually exists.

I’ve had the pleasure of seeing a large portion of what the multiverse has to offer. But one of the more interesting things I have encountered is a small plane of energy that doesn’t have a name to us at this time. It is occupied by two main species that, until recently, had lived out their lives with a unique balance. The beings here do not posses physical bodies in any sense that we can understand. They are concentrated thoughts given self awareness.

The first species we will call the Lumos. The Lumos are small, bright, fairly simple thought forms. They heavily populate this plane, their numbers appearing to grow suddenly from the growth of consciousness on other planes.
They are communal and are mostly harmless unless their stream of thought is interrupted in mass.

The other species appear to, at least among themselves, be referred to as the Grasus. They are a quasi-predatory species, feeding on the concentrated psychic energy of the Lumos. This doesn’t directly harm the Lumos, but they do find the presence of the Grasus disturbing because the Grasus prefer the darker, quiet of solitude to communal gathering and extinguish light as they absorb the ambient psychic energy.

Recently, the Grasus have faced a threat to their source of psychic food from an aggressive new species we will call the Rapax. This new species came to this plane from the greater Astral. They appear almost parasitic, drinking a place dry of psychic energy before moving on. However their method of harvesting the energy is far more direct than that of the Grasus.

While the Grasus feed off the ambient energy cast off by the gathered Lumos, the Rapax feed directly from them which is ultimately lethal to the Lumos.
Stranger still is the fact that the Lumos have embraced the necrotic feeding of the Rapax, because their influence makes the Lumos toxic to the Grasus, who the Lumos have feared for longer than they can remember.

I’ve begun to see an almost cult like worship from the Lumos, building structures of energy to house the Rapax in so the Lumos can visit them regularly and offer energy in exchange for what they seem to see as protection.

The Grasus have started to fight the Rapax for control of the various Lumos communities to prevent the poisoning from eating away their entire food source. The Lumos see the sudden increase of Grasus attention as an attack on them, leading to greater worship of the toxin that is killing them, but which also deters the Grasus.

The Lumos have also begun to spread the toxic influence of the Rapax by themselves, some Lumos communities even seeking out Rapax influence to ward off the Grasus.

Ultimately, I believe this will be the end of this plane. The Rapax no longer have to fight to stay since the Lumos work so hard to embrace them. And the Grasus are seen as so cruel due to their darker nature that they have to trap and farm the Lumos to isolate them from the harmful effects of the Rapax.

Eventually the Rapax will drain the life from this plane and the Grasus will be forced to leave or die.

This provides a lesson for us. Often, we will go with what appears safer and more comfortable than what is good for us. Often we shun things we do not understand even though they do not harm us at all, and embrace what we see as safety which harms or limits us.

We have to learn to question everything. To never let the lure of comfort restrict our ability to see reality for what it is.

Hopefully, the Lumos learn to do so. Otherwise their entire place will die.

Personal Truth is Hell

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I’ve started this post more times that I can count over the course of more than 24 hours and I’m still not sure I have the right things to say what all is going through my head.

For very many years I have worked so hard to dedicate myself to the notion of truth. Not just facts, but truth. It’s hard for people to understand the difference sometimes, but fact is what simply is. It can be proven by numerous independent groups. Truth can be relative. Personal.
And I have fought to be able to see the fact, but also recognize personal truth in my interactions. You can’t maintain personal or social relationships without acknowledging personal truth.

And that can be hard. Because personal reality doesn’t have to line up with factual reality. And sometimes deciding which is more important can be hard. The capacity to face dozens or hundreds of separate realities and keep them all in the right place and order is insane. But I try.

I don’t always find the right balance. I tend to err on the side of pointing out fact and statistical probability. And this can be harsh and cold. Part of the reason is that I can’t understand how other people feel. I can guess and I can adjust based on who I see them being. And I like to think I’m good at that. But I can’t always cater well to personal truth. Despite my determination to always recognize and support truth.

In the last eight months I have had to question my personal reality more than a few times. I’ve realized that despite my determination to never lie to myself or accept a cover story to make tragedy easier, that I have actively ignored fact to accept what I wanted. And I was wrong.

I convinced myself that something that wasn’t true or factual was in fact real. I broke one of my cardinal rules. Don’t believe it’s true. Consider everything.

I want so badly to believe that I can find a relationship of any kind where I can just accept what I hear as truth and reality. Not just carefully constructed words to create a situation favorable to the person speaking them regardless of the other people around them. I want to believe that mind games don’t have to be a part of every interaction. But every time I find myself trusting someone I also find myself cheated or tricked.

It’s natural to subconsciously alter our behavior to create a favorable outcome. Everyone wants to be on the winning side. I pursue that sometimes at the expense of the people I care about. Because a core part of who I am is based around my ability to be the smarter and more capable person.

Physically I am broken. I am crippled and suffer from chronic fatigue and pain. I have fought off two decades of illness that no doctor will help me with. And so I have relied on my mind to stand out, to be successful.

A couple of years ago I began exhibiting sever mental illnesses. This has terrified me because I feel like I am only as good as my mind. And mental illness takes that way from me. If I lose that then I am worthless. Just another broken, crazy, useless man who will never be more than a medicated, slowly dying ass.

I’ve always been good at telling people how things will work out. I’ve studied and enjoyed behavioral psychology so I am good at reading what people do and why. In the last eight months I have been gloriously, massively wrong in my own life. Repeatedly.

I’ve trusted people who played me. Even people I was told constantly not to trust. I’ve been wrong. And if I can’t see what’s in front of me how can I be useful to anyone else?
I understand logically that I can’t be blamed for missing things. Everyone wants to believe that are worth being loved and important to other people. But I can’t shake the personal truth that I am better than that. I lied to myself, actively ignored factual reality to give myself something I wanted. And in the end I got burnt for it.

Factual reality is a cold, lonely place. Personal reality is so fluid and not close to fact. I just can’t find that balance.

And the harder I try to pursue the factual reality the fewer people I have around me. I can’t connect with people well because of that. But I can’t accept personal reality over fact.

If I stop counting the facts I just become the joker and no matter how hard I try Ill only be played by harley. I’ll just be an idiot. I won’t be the wizard. I’ll just be the asshole.

No matter how many blue lights I hear I can’t ignore the demons. The lights only seem to lie.

So I am a broken, dark asshole. But Im not accepting the lie just to make myself feel better. I may lose more people over it, but I can’t live the lie forever.
No matter what happens I will always get the factual truth. I can’t avoid it no matter how much more appealing the lie is.

Everything says “He died doing the right thing”. That’s not true. The fate is more like “He died ignoring the lie”. Cause someone will kill me for pointing out facts. Sarcastically cause I’m a dick.

I’ll stop here before I say something else I’m sure will be too much later.

**Please ignore what I am just going to assume are the many spelling and grammatical errors here. I have had a few to many drinks. Sorry to a certain mermaid, there is nothing left to smash but an empty bottle. I’ll make it up by making more empty bottles to smash. Cheers**

Updates…

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So, I have been doing a lot of playing with my blog, so anyone who has been watching might be slightly annoyed at the constantly changing layout of my page.

First, bear with me. I haven’t made an attempt this serious to post regularly anywhere so I am trying to make the blog as appealing as possible while still being functional for everyone.

Second, I can be a touch indecisive. So I may try something for a few days and then change it just to change it back.

Hopefully I can settle on something without to much chaos, but until then I hope you will be tolerant and just enjoy the writing. At present I have included a Categories wiget on the right so you can jump sections at will. This should make organizing a bit easier for me, and navigating better for you! You’re welcome.

Thank you for your patience, and continue enjoying!

Breaking waves

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First, forgive the writing style here. I’m attempting to type this out on my phone and it’s proving more exciting than anticipated.

Occasionally I find myself contemplating where I am in life. I work hard to live in the moment, which I am much better at now than I was a few years ago.
But I still end up stuck dwelling on decisions I’ve made and where they have led me.
Once upon a time, a short lifetime ago, I was heading in a great direaction. I had a stable place, I was going to college for something I loved, I was already promised a job making real money…

It’s not always easy to look back on that knowing where I am now. I have some great things in my life now. I really do. But looking at where I was heading before, I can’t help but sometimes fail to see the color and life in what is right now.

Recently I have lost damn near everything. The life I had given everything up for is gone. That which I had spent more than half a decade building with passion and blood and pain has faded to nothing. Worse than nothing, truth be told. The ghost of everything I had still haunts me daily. And the poisons that did me in haven’t faded as quickly.

But, in the desolation of circumstance I find a hint of peace. I fear smothering that too, though. I have to hide it lest the ghosts tear it apart in wrathful envy. But it is there and I’m thankful for it.

I know I sound dramatic. And I am. My pain isn’t any less than I portray it. But colorful words and flair distract and amuse.
I always heard its better to be a jester than a martyr. Both suffer, but one entertains.
And I suppose the difference is pride.

That doesn’t bode well for me haha.